Dark Thoughts

Mom's really sick.  As the doc told me a few days ago, "She's as sick as a person can be and still be alive."

So here's the thing.  We're reaching the point where her odds of recovery approach zero.  Which means, bottom line, that I think I'm going to have to tell her pretty soon that there's just not much more that the doctors can do.  They might be able to keep her alive a few more weeks or months if they keep pumping her full of antibiotics, anti-fungals, extra blood, and IV proteins, and if they keep her hooked up to a ventilator.  But she's almost certainly not going to improve.  And it takes ALL of that stuff to even keep her going as it is.  She has massive internal bleeding, which leads to both infection and blood loss, and she's not healing, and her intestines have shut down.  How long do we keep this up?

I feel awful for asking that question, but it's the simple truth.

And I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally, not only because the prognosis has been changing almost daily for the past month--though steadily trending downward--but also just because I'm trying to steel myself for the worst, and it's like hanging on the edge of a cliff, making peace with the fact that you're going to fall, and then having your carabiner catch you right before you hit bottom.  Nothing can save you, but the worst hasn't happened yet.  It's just sitting there, staring you in the face day after day after day.

My mother is a stubborn person, and I hate to say this, but I fear that she simply will not accept the reality.  That she'll want to hang on as long as possible, no matter the costs.  I feel like I should want her to fight, but the truth is that I just want this to be over.  She's not going to get better.  I mean, I don't know that, exactly, for certain yet, but... really, she was 80 lbs before she got sick.  It's been a LONG time since she was healthy.  I just... can't bring myself to believe in a miracle here.  I just can't.  I don't believe it's going to happen.  And I don't want to see my mother suffer, and personally, I don't really want to suffer any more either.

Yesterday, the doctor asked me to give him 48 hours, and then we'd revisit the issue.  Which is fine.  I mean, he was trying to break it to me that she might die, and I was at pains to tell him that I was already aware, I've merely been trying to figure out when and how do I deal with it.  Still, he's a new doc, she's in a new hospital...  I mean, I don't believe a miracle is coming, but I'm not going to actively sabotage the chances that one will occur.  My best engineering estimate is therefore this: at some point late in the week, I'm going to have to travel to Tennessee, break the news to my mother that she cannot be saved, and then do my best to say good bye in a way that brings honor to our family.  I don't know how to do that, but I know by now that I'll do my duty when it's in front of me.

I'm telling you all this just to get it off my chest.

Normally, I'd go out for a run or a ride and try to work through it all, but with a race tomorrow, I'm kind of stuck.  And right now, I feel like I'm about to go completely out of my head.